.Wednesday, January 27, 2010 ' 4:49 AM Y
This year is and will be a very depressed year for me.
I miss my grandpa.
I lost him.. I always thought he would live forever.. i know he will leave me one day. But i really didnt expect him to leave this year.. It was a complete shock to me. He looked so healthy. He could shop in central, cook, watch television like a normal person. it didnt occur to me that he might have high blood pressure, weak heart, lung problems. i just didnt think this would happen to him when he aged. i always thought he was healthy all along.. that day i didnt bring my handphone. but i was extremely glad that i went home straight after work. i saw the msg in my phone. from my mum. i didnt know wad to do. i was worried, shocked and i just cried. i rushed to the hospital. i saw him lying on the bed, breathing very hard. he fainted when he was out. fortunately someone called the embulance. i cried inconsolably. i sit beside and looked at him. he nodded when i called out to him. i dont know if he heard me.. i hope he does. i didnt speak much to him i didnt know what to say to him.. i prayed he will be fine.. i wont believe he will leave me this soon, not this year not the next few years.. but i was worried deep down.. i spent 2 days with him. i held his hand and he grabbed my hand really hard.. he was struggling on the first day but he was so quiet and so restless that he didnt even have the strength to pull his oxygen mask off.. i dont know why he wanted to pull off his mask in the first place.. is it he doesnt want to live to struggle for his life anymore? i rushed back to the hospital when he passed away. i stood rooted to the ground.. i dont know what to do what to think i dont know whats going to happen to me.. i just feel like leaving with him.. i dont know how to continue working, living and laughing the following days.. i kissed him and touched his face the last time.. i wore his shirt and shoes for him... i hope he knows.. i slept beside his coffin.. i could sleep really well.. i really miss him alot alot.. i have much regrets towards him.... i wish i could turn time back... its been 18 days since he left.. i hope he will be back on the 100 days, to see me.. i really miss him. I cant accept he's left.. i work, eat, smile, laugh around.. but i know im sad. nobody seems to know.. it feels better avoiding what has happened.. i feel empty... but life still goes on.. i hope i can learn to accept this.. really.